The Paradox of the Prankster by Prank

TO: The Prairie Prankster

FROM: Woogus Coloradous, Proud and Mighty Lion and Supreme Ruler of the Mountains, Prairie and the Seas.

RE: Your "New" Year's guidance

Prank, I want you to know that there's a place for you here on my staff at the New Palace in the Human year of 2008. I am delighted to announce that you will not be fired nor will I have you put down for at least a few more months. You have performed adequately on most occasions since your last "New" Year and have elevated your stature at times with outstanding food service which helps make up for your mismanagement of the weather in recent weeks. I will pretend that last Winter was a horrendous aberration, but you are not off to a good start this year, my Friend.

I was pleased that you agreed to sign power of attorney over to me while you were on your medications so that I can make all your decisions for you, which is in your best interest, Prankster. What with you falling down stairs and that young Human crashing into your auto and such. It's clear to any intelligent being that you need a strong Paw to guide you as you navigate your all too Human World. So let me bat around a few thoughts of mine for you to contemplate as you enter your "New" Year.

All creatures great and small shall refer to me as Woogus Coloradous from this day forward. I believe it has the grandeur necessary to impress your Human minds. Be sure to announce my arrival into the room appropriately, Prank. You have been lax in your duties in that regard ever since we left the Old Palace up North. You know that I expect a proper entry into the room and you must show your respect by acknowledging and announcing my presence upon my entering the room as required. I demand that you stand as you announce me. Guests can remain seated but those who do stand as I enter and wait for me to be seated before they sit back down as a show of respect and obedience will find special favor with me. Is there anything you don't understand about this requirement?

Next, you Humans have too many systems of distance measurement. The meter, the foot, the inch, the yard, the mile and what not. It is hard for us more intelligent life forms such as Felines who share this World with you for our amusement to understand this foolishness. You are the only species on the planet who suffer from this malady. Clearly, only one system of distance measurement is needed and you would all be much more productive in your service to me as a result. Why use some dead Human's paw size to define your distance measurements when you have me? Therefore, as your Supreme Ruler I shall declare that the only unit of distance measure all Humans shall use as of 1 January 2008 on your Human calendar is the "Woogie", which is the length of my body from the end of my nose to the tip of my anus. The "Woogie" is 23 of your inches in the USA and .5842 meters for all my Humans living pretty much on the rest of the Planet. So Prank, you would no longer be 6 feet tall, you would be 3.13 Woogies tall. Your lovely friend in Virginia will now be known as 3.13 Woogie Blond, I like the sound of that I do. Yes. A KiloWoogie would be .363 of your miles and 584.2 meters. See how easy your lives shall be thanks to me? Yes, you do, Prank. Yes, you do. Why your Mr. Happy! would be just over one-half Woogie. What a way for all Humans to both accurately measure distances and to remember your Supreme Ruler and his contribution to your well being in exchange for your absolute compliance. A win-win I say, yes, a win-win it is.

What has happened to my requirement for a Royal litter box to be placed on all three floors of the Palace? How is it, Prank, that I, Woogus Coloradous, have lesser accommodations than you, a Human servant? It is not like you have special needs, Prank, in that case I would understand your requirements. But that does not excuse the grave injustice I suffer by having to go all the way down to the basement to use my one and only Royal litter box. While I appreciate your efforts to maintain hygiene and the proper levels of litter to my specifications, how can you not comprehend and correct this egregious indignity? This truly vexes me and may lead to some very early wake up calls on these subzero mornings, my Friend. There will be more severe consequences if the situation is not remedied to my satisfaction by "Frozen Dead Guy Days" or by the end of the month you know as March, whichever comes first. Consider yourself warned, Prank.

The Squirrel problem seems to have been solved, Prank. Very good, but I will reserve judgment for a few months. Sometimes, as with the weather, I see you appear to fix the problem but then it comes back. Did you use a private contractor to provide the ultimate solution? Did you consult with Cheney and Putin as I suggested to you back in October...or was that November? They both owe me, I got them where they are today, Prank, did you mention my name to them? Regardless, I hope you did so for your sake, Prank. If those mangy, putrid, flea infested, dim witted, diseased, chattering rodents are about this Spring then I will need to take drastic measures. Drastic measures, Prank. Yes. Measures that are drastic are what I shall take. Yes.

Lastly, I noticed that Doc Sam seems to be raising some sort of catnip down in the basement what with all those lights on all hours of the day. You are aware of Doc Sam's horticultural activities, I trust? Plus Doc sneaks up to the kitchen while you are at work or asleep and has many snacks. I suspect this is why you have ample stocks on hand but you did mention that there might be company, anyone I know? Not that it matters to me, you are free to associate with whomever you like, of course.....well, enjoy your "New" Year Festivities and your Football and Hockey, Prank.

Woogus Coloradous