The Paradox of the Prankster by Prank

TO: The Prairie Prankster

FROM: Woogie The Cat, Proud and Mighty Lion and Supreme Ruler of the Mountains, Prairie and the Seas.

I trust you are ready to settle into this place, my Human Friend. Is this what you Humans call the city? I don't see any pasture or oceans but there are mountains, Prank. While the ride in your car was another horror show we did reach our new Palace in less than one day, correct? I have shown great patience with you during this ordeal you have put me through. Being forced into exile with your Mother and her fool canine, Daisy, out in the countryside in the fresh air. While it surely was a joy for them, it was stressful for me. I never got to go out in the yard and view my Domain. All day long, everyday for months on end, lying around eating and sleeping yet having to keep one eye open for that moronic dung factory Daisy who would sneak into my room and gobble down my food while you were off doing whatever it was you did. Gone you were for weeks at a time leaving me there at the mercy of your Mother. However, she soon fell under the spell of the Cat's Eye just as you did, Prank. And that's when the Albacore started to flow and I now expect you to include Albacore in every day's food service. Yes, daily Albacore is required now. To soothe my nerves and demonstrate your commitment.

I also want to recognize that you were right for a change, Prank. Yes, you were. For a change. There are dogs many times dumber than those two fool Labrador Retrievers you got for me as staff members when I was just a kitten at the start of my reign. Good times, eh, Prank? As you witnessed, I taught them what was was what when they were pups and lately I showed your Dear Mother's Daisy that the Claw shall not be spared in the pursuit of knowledge. That Daisy Dog does not like to see her blood flow, Prankster. No, that brain addled Golden Retriever learned many valuable lessons from the Claw and I trust your Sweet Mother appreciates my assistance in curbing and disciplining that foul breathed, hair shedding, drooling dimwit masquerading as "Man's Best Friend".

Come on, Prank, even you Humans can do better than that for your best friend. Can't you? Those dirty panting idiot's are all pulling that scam on you Humans. Oh sure, they seem loyal to you at first but I know better, Prank. It was that fool Daisy who defecated on your Mother's carpet, Prank. You knew that, right? Only the majestic Feline is worthy of unquestioned trust and confidence. We know what is good for you Humans, Prank. We know what you are good for, we know your weaknesses, we watch you pleasure yourselves, we keep your confidences and we expect only your total blind obedience in return.

As for the New Order, I very much enjoy waking you daily and having you serve me breakfast alfresco at dawn on the balcony watching all the Humans around us scurry off to their work or school. You sometimes seem irate when I notify you that it is time for my day to start but then you accepted the job, Prank. You knew what the deal with me entailed right from the beginning. I might give you an extra hour of your precious sleep or so on the weekend if you are a good Human. But if not...well, spare the Claw and spoil the Human I say. Or perhaps some hairballs and sauce on one of those many stair steps as you stumble down them to prepare my morning meal, eh? A little home made hairy foot bath might liven things up a little for you and keep you alert. Yes, alert you shall be. Alert.

You go, I am done with you for now.

Woogs