The Paradox of the Prankster by Prank

TO: The Prairie Prankster

FROM: Woogie The Cat, Proud and Mighty Lion and Supreme Ruler of the Mountains, Prairie and the Seas.

RE: The Five Unacceptables

Well, Prank, after spending the Summer months settling into my new, our, yes, our new Palace there are a few items we need to discuss. Some thorns in my paw you might say. And you know how I am when I get out of sorts, remember back in December of 2005, my Dear Human?

Yes, I think you do remember. You remember well the disorientation and pain you suffered in your last accident, don't you Prankster? Your nose healed well though. Doc Sam did a good job on you despite your protestations. You needed a lot of work after the experiments. But you're in tip top shape now, aren't you, Prank?

Yes, you are.

You know I would hate to see you take a fall, what with all these stairs here. It's a wonder to me when I see you bumbling up those 17 steps each night when you come home that something dire hasn't happened already. Two flights of 17 steps, Prank, double the possibilities. Yes, you should be most careful. Very, very careful as that dolt, Mr. Happy! would say.

Really now, Prank, you let the likes of Mr. Happy! out among your Human friends on that Blogstream?

Hardly understanding a word said to him, your idiotic Mr. Happy! makes most foolish, drooling Canines seem smart as a Dolphin. Yes, like regular Lemurs they are almost. There, I said it. Zipper that fool Happy up and be sure he cleans up this keyboard when he's done whatever vile and self-gratifying acts he has already or will soon commit.

That is my first unacceptable. Yes, the first unacceptable it is, Prankster. I find Mr. Happy! unacceptable. I demand you remedy the situation immediately. Less of this Mr. Happy! nonsense and these following unacceptables and your life would be smoother and easier, Prank. Perhaps you would not be required to report for breakfast service until 6:15 AM Human time? You would like that, wouldn't you?

Now onto other unacceptables. Yes, I like this very much. I want a litter box on every floor. Why should I, the Supreme Ruler, be required to use stairs in order to comply with your poorly conceived and inconsiderate litter box placement? Placing my only privy next to the garage requires me to use at least one flight of stairs and often two. Remember my Friend, I only do this as a favor to you. Now it is time to return the favor. Time to remedy this unacceptable situation I say. I demand a litter box on all three floors for both our convenience. You have your facilities on all three floors. I am entitled to nothing less. I will provide you with drawings of acceptable litter box designs that will go well with our decor. You know how I like my box, Prank. Lots of room with that clumping litter I can really get my paws deep into.

The late September nights and days are much more tolerable outside, yes, cool and delightful it is. But I remember what happens when cool nights return, Prank. This is why I want to remind you that your weather service last Winter was unacceptable. Almost sixty days with snow on the ground, Prank. Many more with temperatures that were out of compliance with my requirements as well. I trust you learned your lesson when Doc Sam accidentally administered the rabies shot. He thought I meant the rabies virus, not the vaccine. An innocent mistake it was. Those first days in July were a bit dodgy what with you biting and snapping at anything that walked by but Doc prepared the proper treatments for you over the following 2 months or so and your "normal" self returned. You seemed to enjoy the night sweats and dozens of shots very much as I recall it. I'm sure if we see substantial progress in your ability to prevent those annoying winter snow storms and subfreezing temperatures then your happiness would likely increase. I bet Doc won't repeat his mistake. No, he won't I would wager. No mistaken shots for you. I find snow and cold unacceptable. I demand you cease all vexatious snowfall during the Winter months or suffer grave consequences. I won't bend on this one, Prank. Not this year.

The quality of the food service is slipping. For a while you were in compliance with my requirements. Yes, for a while but then your performance suffered. Suffered it did and who does that impact, Prank? Why you know the answer, yes, you do. It is I, Woogie, who truly suffers. I agreed to Albacore every other day. Not every third or fourth day, Prankster. You understood and complied with my requirements for many months. Why the change? Did you not think I would notice? That I would be distracted by all the Humans scurrying about in the morning as I breakfast on the balcony above the masses? Well, if you did you were wrong, Prank. Yes, wrong again. You will bring breakfast service back into compliance and I demand nothing less. No more of this unacceptable situation. Do we have clarity on this, my Friend?

And the fifth unacceptable situation we shall address today is that Ricky person you hang out with and watch your sporting events with. Ever since that other dim witted friend of yours, Ray, had that most unfortunate beating 18 months ago that Ricky thinks I had something to do with it. As if I could beat up a Human and deposit him naked in a frozen ditch at 3 AM bleeding profusely, surgically sliced with over 200 precise incisions and needing extensive physical and mental rehabilitation services to this very day? Why I'm just a pussy cat, Prank. You know I sent Doc Sam down there to help Ray, once we learned of his predicament. And what do we get in return? Doc gets indicted and convicted and had his medical and dental licenses revoked. The Veterinary Board let him keep his license though. Apparently, it's OK to do anything to animals. And Doc agrees with me, what's good for us is even better for you Humans.

Every time you left the room last time he was here, Prank, that Ricky tells me he knows what I did. That he's going to prove it and that I better not do you any further harm. Further harm, Prank? Why I have saved you from serious harm more times than I can count on my four paws. Who has been there first whenever you have taken a tumble over the years? Why it is I, your concerned and caring employer. You are like family to me.

Be prepared for that Ricky will likely say things to you, Prank. Lies and suppositions, ravings even. Ravings of a fool and madman perhaps. How do we know your friend Ricky is of sound mind, Prank? I demand that you set up Ricky with an appointment with Doc Sam. Yes, Doc will look Ricky over and test his state of mind, verify his capacity and perhaps provide some treatments if called for. That Doc knows his stuff, Prank. Look how many times he has helped you out what with your falls and fevers and rabies and broken bones. Until then all contact with that Ricky is unacceptable until the good Doctor Sam declares him to be of sound mind.

Those are my demands. I expect compliance. Are you clear on this?

Woogs